We are without updates and spoilers today as CBS has opted to block the feeds until after tonight’s West coast broadcast of the Battle Back competitions. During the feed blackout we managed to smuggle our Live Feed Spoilers and Updates reporter into the house to ask the house guests a simple question: “How’s the game going for you so far?” We’ll supply the house guests’ answers (as we imagine them) in alphabetical order starting with Bridgette, the sweet, sort of fifties style homemaker with a bit of a cursing issue.
Bridgette: “Why am I always the first ^#$#*%#& house guest who has to answer these %@%$#%# questions! Why won’t you people just let me bake my #%#*)$#*& cookies?”
Perhaps we’ll come back to Bridgette a bit later.
Next up is Corey, our somewhat confused metro-(or something)sexual.
Corey: “I never came into the house expecting to find the love of my life, and then there he, er I mean she was. Nic, she likes it when I call her that, and I hit it off almost immediately. We were both chatting with Paulie as he applied sunscreen on that hair free, god-like torso of his and our eyes met. I knew in an instant that I’d found the love of my life. Here’s something not a lot of people know, other than a few million live feed watchers, but I tried out to be on The Bachelor before coming here. The thought of me locked in a secluded house with 24 other handsome young men was very tempting to me, but then Big Brother called and I ended up here with Paulie, er rather Nic instead. Now, as some of you know, Nic and I have taken our friendship a bit farther than initially anticipated, but Nic has such large, warm hands, almost the same size as Paulie’s if you haven’t noticed, and well, things just escalated to the point where they are now. As to the game, well I don’t really understand a lot of what’s going on, but Paulie and I have spent many hours lying next to one another in the HOH bed discussing the game, life, our futures and so, so much more.”
Up next is the returning veteran Davonne.
Davonne: “Wait a minute? Why are you asking me all of these questions? Is this some sort of a trap? I’m on to you! I’m telling everyone what you’re doing! You think you can trick me? Ha! You can’t fool me! You’re not getting me to tell you nothing! Now you get out of here with that tricky little tape recorder of yours and go bother someone else!”
Perhaps we caught Davonne at a bad time. Let’s take one more look into the kitchen at Bridgette and see if she’s ready.
Bridgette: “I’ll *%^&#$^# call you when I’m **&^)% ready! What part of the %#%^#^ answer don’t you understand?”
Perhaps we should move on to Frank, the elder statesman of the house and another returning veteran.
Frank: “I think the game is going exactly how I’d like it to go. Sure there may have been a few small hiccups along the way, but I’m in total control and everything will be fine. The majority of the house is behind me and loves me despite my flatulence issues and does whatever I ask. Things couldn’t be going better. I’ve really stepped up my game this time around. I’ve been showering almost twice a week. Everything’s looking great. By the way, that’s a lovely tie you’re wearing. You know, I used to sell ties a lot like that. If you’d like another tie like that, look me up and I can get you a good deal on one.”
Next up is James, another returning veteran and beloved former house guest.
James: “Well, I don’t know much of what’s happening as this cute little Venezuelan girl named Natalie kind of keeps me locked up in a bumper car most of the time, but I don’t mind. I know I vowed when I came into the house not to get in trouble with another girl, but have you seen Natalie? Good lord! She makes Meg, my crush from last year, look like a grandmother. Right now I’m just doing everything possible to keep Natalie safe so I don’t lose my cuddle buddy.”
Next up is the quirky Michelle. Sullen, depressed, hate-filled and annoying are words people have used to describe her.
Mihclle: “Wait? People are talking about me? They’ve noticed me? Me? People have noticed me in this house surrounded by these people? How can that be? Most of the people here don’t know I’m here and outsiders have noticed me? That’s amazing. I hate it, but it’s amazing. As to the game, well none of these dumb people deserve a dime. They’re all idiots. I hate every one of them. Well, with the exception of Paulie. He and I have this special connection. It’s oddly organic and makes me all tingly inside. We have to downplay it when others are around, which is pretty much all of the time, but he’ll give me a little nod as we pass in the hall and once he even mentioned me by name, so I know he feels the same way! Oh, if only we could hurry up and get rid of the rest of these bozos, he and I could be together.”
And that brings us to Natalie, described as the sweetheart of the house. Kind, sweet, and loving she’s been taken under James’ wing for special tutelage.
Natalie: “Ah, the game. It started out great with me and the Spy Girls in total control of the house then something went horribly wrong and Bronte left. Bridgette has now left me for Frank and I’m all alone in this big, cold house with only what’s his name, that funny little guy who’s always pulling the pranks? Well whatever his name is, he’s my only real company. He’s kind of cute, like a lost little puppy. If I can just make jury I’ll be happy.”
And on to Nicole, another of the returning house guests who was a favorite in her earlier season but who’s not as loved now.
Nicole: “Wait a minute? Not as loved nowwww? But I’m in another showmance! I’ve been letting that Lurch like creature touch me and I’ve been satisfying him and I’m not loved? Wah!!!!!! Whhhhyyyyyy? Why does everyone hate me? It’s so unfairrrrrrrrr!!!!!”
And that brings us to Paul, the hipster bearded chameleon who is serving as the rat to the house.
Paul: “WHAT’S UP BRO! IT’S YOUR BOY PAUL!”
“You don’t have to shout. We can hear you fine.”
Paul: “I’M NOT SHOUTING FOOL. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THIS IS YOUR BOY’S NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE. HECK, THIS IS PRETTY DARN QUIET FOR YOUR BOY. AS FOR THE GAME, WELL THINGS STARTED OUT A BIT BAD WITH EVERYONE I WAS ALLIED WITH GETTING VOTED OUT, BUT NOW YOUR BOY IS IN GOOD WITH A GROUP OF GUYS AND WE’RE GOING TO THE END TOGETHER AND WE’LL WIN THE WHOLE THING, FOOL!”
And now we meet Paulie. The shirtless wonder much of the house seems to adore.
Paulie: “Yo man, like I’m not used to this type thing, like this, so if I’m you know, messing up this type thing you just let me know how you want this type thing handled and I’ll try to change the type thing I do, okay? As to the game, well this type thing ain’t easy to win, but I’m bred to win this game. There’s this chick here named Zak , aint’ it weird how Corey and I ended up with girls whose first names sound a lot like a guy’s name? Corey and I were lying in bed the other morning talking about just that type thing. He was rubbing the back of my neck as I rubbed his forearm and we were laughing at how a girl named Nic found him and a girl named Zak found me. That type thing just don’t happen all that often. And Coco, I call Corey that, it’s our type thing we call each other, did you know he was going to be on that show called The Bachelor? Imagine that, being surrounded by all those bachelor type thing guys? Anyway, forgetting all that type thing, the game’s going pretty good. Corey and I have hit it off good and we’re cruising to the end, or that type thing. I was bred for this type thing.”
And finally we come to Zakiyah. The preschool teacher who has been known to ask her students for dating advice.
Zakiyah: “Were you just talking to Paulie? What did he say about me? Did he say anything bad about me? Of course, not! How could he? He didn’t, did he? Do you think I’m moving too fast for him? Maybe too slow? Maybe I’m not being girly enough? Do you think he likes girly girls? What’s that smirk mean? Are you smirking at me? I’ll wipe that smirk off your face! Oh, he doesn’t like girly girls? I get it! That’s okay. I don’t have to be all girly all the time. I can be a bit of a Tomboy. Is that what he wants? A Tomboy? What do mean he wants a Corey boy? Paulie’s not gay. I can tell when someone’s gay! Sure he likes lying in bed with Corey and cuddling with Corey instead of me, but that doesn’t mean he’s gay! Just the other morning I got him to cuddle with me for a few minutes when I pretended to have a nightmare. He almost even kissed me, but then he turned his head away at the last minute when he saw Corey on the monitor.”
Let’s take one last look in on Bridgette and see how she’s doing in the kitchen.
“Oh my #$^#$^ God! These are the best *^#%^# cookies I’ve made yet!”
Actually, let’s just conclude it with that. There you have it ladies and gentlemen, the BB 18 house guests and how they view the game thus far. God help us all!
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